Name: Anonymous 2015-06-05 20:40
We've all been there, unemployed, living with mom and dad, hanging out on a intersection, faking a limp while waling between cars during red lights, holding up a sign saying `homeless injured single-mother veteran, anything helps, God bless' just for a little spending money. Let's face it, we are all maladjusted to live in a society that values the appearance of work over understandable, efficient, functional programs. I'd hate to make a value judgement about which is better, so I'll just state that no matter how much SICP we can recite, we won't make it. Perhaps the only thing we can do now is accept our fate.
But what if I told you that there was a foolproof way to fake it until you make it? I've spent years studying the proletarians and how they prefer to operate, and there is definitely a pattern that you can follow for success. That's right, and I have the method so perfected that even the slimiest wretch here (Nikita) can do it, provided he bathes first.
The first important thing to note is that the most important thing about you is your Facebook profile, as it is the first thing most people are going to see, including HR. To prepare for this, create an account and put some true-ish information on there. Add some family and look up old friends. If you never had friends, or if you got kicked out of school in the first grade and it is a fucking miracle that you can even read and write, just spam random people who look semi-respectable until you have twenty or so friends. Now, you want to make it look like you are an actual person. Find a single-colored sheet somewhere and a camera. Stand on the sheet and hold the camera high above your head so that the camera sees the perspective that you draw when you make to idly draw a cube. Stick your lips out and take the picture, but don't upload yet, because we aren't done! Another critical part is not being a dorky nerd, so we are going to make some modifications that will make you more interesting. Photoshop that image of you onto some snow and claim your hobby is skiing, or something similar to that, perhaps on a mountain trail, or a boat. Just don't do the creepy nerdy otaku stuff. If you put yourself hanging out with Konata, everyone will know that you are an autistic pedophile with terrible tastes in anime, which is the opposite of what you want. Now upload, and repeat the process for Twitter.
Now that your Facebook and Twitter are up and running, we move to least important part, the coding. Make an account on Github (not any other site, only Github will do), and link to your social network profiles, as well as post this account there. Now it is time to actually do some coding, but first, we need to talk about acceptable languages. C and Javascript are okay, but Python, Java, or PHP are the better choices. Now, that comes with some caveats: when I say C, I really mean C++-without-using-classes-or-templates-very-much. Also, Javascript should ideally be written in some other language, like Coffeescript or Typescript. Ruby is on the way out, be sure to ridicule Ruby programmers as brogrammers as much as possible for maximal community networking. Never use Perl or Scheme or Ada or Smalltalk or any of those boring grandpa languages. No matter what language you choose, keep in mind that the program should have as many dependencies as possible. For instance, in C, you should require glib and boost, only to call one function from each. In Python, you should require some libraries from 2.x and some from 3.x. By increasing dependencies, it shows how networked within the community you are, and shows a proficiency with many different technologies.
Next, think carefully about what you want to write, as what you put in your repos says a lot about you. A very popular thing is Twitter or Reddit bots, but you can also make fun HTML5 games and port things to Javascript as well. The important thing is that it is something that the user can interact with directly, so that they can see the result on their level, and not have to feel challenged by any complexity. What you do here can also be put on your resume. For example, if you write a Twitter bot that posts a quote every time someone tweets at it, you can claim that you have experience with artificial intelligence and responsive design. Take some time and decide on some good fonts for your resume and cover sheet, and be sure to save them in a variety of formats. Some places prefer .docx formats, while others want PDFs. Be sure to follow instructions carefully when you send them out. Follow these steps and you'll have job offers pouring in to work at the hottest startups and ENTERPRISES in no time at all.
But what if I told you that there was a foolproof way to fake it until you make it? I've spent years studying the proletarians and how they prefer to operate, and there is definitely a pattern that you can follow for success. That's right, and I have the method so perfected that even the slimiest wretch here (Nikita) can do it, provided he bathes first.
The first important thing to note is that the most important thing about you is your Facebook profile, as it is the first thing most people are going to see, including HR. To prepare for this, create an account and put some true-ish information on there. Add some family and look up old friends. If you never had friends, or if you got kicked out of school in the first grade and it is a fucking miracle that you can even read and write, just spam random people who look semi-respectable until you have twenty or so friends. Now, you want to make it look like you are an actual person. Find a single-colored sheet somewhere and a camera. Stand on the sheet and hold the camera high above your head so that the camera sees the perspective that you draw when you make to idly draw a cube. Stick your lips out and take the picture, but don't upload yet, because we aren't done! Another critical part is not being a dorky nerd, so we are going to make some modifications that will make you more interesting. Photoshop that image of you onto some snow and claim your hobby is skiing, or something similar to that, perhaps on a mountain trail, or a boat. Just don't do the creepy nerdy otaku stuff. If you put yourself hanging out with Konata, everyone will know that you are an autistic pedophile with terrible tastes in anime, which is the opposite of what you want. Now upload, and repeat the process for Twitter.
Now that your Facebook and Twitter are up and running, we move to least important part, the coding. Make an account on Github (not any other site, only Github will do), and link to your social network profiles, as well as post this account there. Now it is time to actually do some coding, but first, we need to talk about acceptable languages. C and Javascript are okay, but Python, Java, or PHP are the better choices. Now, that comes with some caveats: when I say C, I really mean C++-without-using-classes-or-templates-very-much. Also, Javascript should ideally be written in some other language, like Coffeescript or Typescript. Ruby is on the way out, be sure to ridicule Ruby programmers as brogrammers as much as possible for maximal community networking. Never use Perl or Scheme or Ada or Smalltalk or any of those boring grandpa languages. No matter what language you choose, keep in mind that the program should have as many dependencies as possible. For instance, in C, you should require glib and boost, only to call one function from each. In Python, you should require some libraries from 2.x and some from 3.x. By increasing dependencies, it shows how networked within the community you are, and shows a proficiency with many different technologies.
Next, think carefully about what you want to write, as what you put in your repos says a lot about you. A very popular thing is Twitter or Reddit bots, but you can also make fun HTML5 games and port things to Javascript as well. The important thing is that it is something that the user can interact with directly, so that they can see the result on their level, and not have to feel challenged by any complexity. What you do here can also be put on your resume. For example, if you write a Twitter bot that posts a quote every time someone tweets at it, you can claim that you have experience with artificial intelligence and responsive design. Take some time and decide on some good fonts for your resume and cover sheet, and be sure to save them in a variety of formats. Some places prefer .docx formats, while others want PDFs. Be sure to follow instructions carefully when you send them out. Follow these steps and you'll have job offers pouring in to work at the hottest startups and ENTERPRISES in no time at all.