Baby's 1st Scheme

So what's the big deal with scheme. It seems to lack a bunch of basic features found in modern languages like Javascript. Like FOR EACH loops, asynchronous events, and JSON. Is there a modern version of LISP that has those built in stuff.

I am only learning scheme because of SICP. What are LIST and MACROs in scheme and why is it considered so powerful. Also, can one of you explain to me what "my other CAR is a CDR" means. Why do people claim that LISP is the building blocks of the universe. So many questions.

So I'm learning Javascript, you know, the hunk of shit with code for BASIC games in it. And I have a problem with this hunk of shit. For one thing, it has no nifty tricks. Like a for-each higher order function, lambda-delta-quaternion-cuntulus-algebraic-quantificated-donkey-dot-com-combinators, and s-expressions. Is there a dirty old joseph version of Javascript that has those built in stuff, cunts?

I'm only learning Javascript so I can GET AHEAD in the BIG BAD BUSINESS WORLD. What is HTML5 and WEBGL in Javascript and why are they considered SO POWERFUL? Also, can one of you explain to me why everybody obfuscates their javascript code so it looks like unreadable garbage? Why do people claim Javascript is the building blocks of the WORLD WIDE WEB? So many questions.