PHP beat C in speed

I was reading reddit
random thread in r/programming
benchmark circlejerk
I join in and talk shit
Suddenly i need to back up my claims(that C/C++ is fastest evar)
try to find benchmarks
see
https://benchmarksgame.alioth.debian.org/u64q/performance.php?test=regexdna
Slowly back out of thread

>>16

possibly unsafe IO.

module System.Condom where

import System.Random

rubberUp :: a -> Safe a

punchAHole :: Safe a -> a

data PullOut a = InTime (Safe a) | TooLate a

theGame a :: Pullout a
theGame a = do
sleeplessNightsLottery <- getStdGen
let (yourFate, _) = randomR (1, 100) sleeplessNightsLottery
if yourFate < 10 then
InTime $ rubberUp a
else
TooLate a