C jokes

The Pope, a boyscout, and the smartest C programmer in the world are on an airplane. The engines fail, the plane starts going down, and there are only 2 parachutes. The smartest C programmer in the world says, "Due to my extraordinarily high intelligence, I believe it is imperative that I survive and continue to show my people the path to greatness." He grabs a parachute and jumps out of the plane. The Pope tells the boyscout, "I am an old man and I am ready to meet God, so you may use the remaining parachute, my son." The boyscout replies, "No, that's cool Pope, we both have parachutes because that C programmer just jumped out of the plane with my backpack."

I'm looking for a print function, it cant be printf or any stdc. It has to be of 2 or more parameteru (that's Japanese for 2 parameters) and has be be chibi (small) sized. And has to be really kawaii (cute). Also It has to be about 10-20 bux. And you have to post man pages of it first (i want to make shure it's kawaii [cute]). And it would be nice if it came with matching input reading (WITH error handling). OH! and it CANNOT have any ENTERPRISE PATTERNS, or be made out of C++. It has to be made of C, or something like that. Also it would be nice if it was made in japan. and not in china or corea (Korea) or whatever. I have found a function similar to the one im describing in e-bay, but it was 1 parameteru, and i don't want my gohanformattu (formatting) to touch my other parameters (it can get overwritten and i would not like that, plus 2 parameters looks more kawaii)