Name: Anonymous 2014-04-22 18:07
ESR [tuxedo.org] has given us a compelling essay [tuxedo.org] on the benefits of communal non-property. He has enriched our lives with a collection of stirring poetry [tuxedo.org]. He has left an electronic legacy of just how gruesome the human form can get [google.com]. And he has given every underdog geek [lugos.si] hope with an inspiring account [slashdot.org] of his meteoric rise to unheard of riches.
But none of these compares to his Sex Tips for Geeks [tuxedo.org]. After all, if these tips can get ESR [auug.org.au] into some hottie's [spertus.com] pants, then any disgusting slob [saturnus.com] can get laid!
Seriously, though, how could ESR have developed these valuable mating tips? Nobody can make me believe that even if he offered all of his newfound wealth to the most hard-up crack-whore on the streets of New York he could get his stinger wet. My Philosophy professor always said, "you cannot invoke magic or God and expect to win an argument in this class." I am therefore left to reach only one possible conclusion. What follows is the only possible explanation for ESR's Sex Tips for Geeks [tuxedo.org].
The room was dark and the night was cold as the rain pelted against the window. Eric paid no attention, though, absorbed as he was in the warm glow of his computer monitor. A raspy voice grated out of the speakers situated on either side of his monitor, "you've got mail!"
It was his mother's voice, which he had recorded to use with the perl AOL interface he had been working on for the past 10 years. Eric smiled and wiped the sweat condensing in his palm on his thin swatch of hair, only to replace the sweat with the grease oozing from his scalp. His hands shaking, Eric simultaneously pressed the ctrl, alt, shift, F1 and page down keys to retrive the new mail message. He read the message aloud, his voice quivering with excitement.
"hi! i will meet with u on chat 7pm tonite! c u then, xoxoxoxo suzee."
Eric expunged a bulb of gas from his spastic bowel as he checked his watch. 6:57 pm. His shaking grew more extreme, more uncontrollable. He could barely press the key sequence alt, space, F10, F3, tab, scroll-lock, page-up and end to bring up his open-source AOL chat client. Eric was barely able to situate his notebook and ink his quil before the chat client began to load. Eight minutes later, the client was ready to go.
"hi eric," came the message.
Eagerly, Eric replied, "hi, suzee! how r u tonite?"
"fine, thanks. u r late! i wuz worried!"
Eric scribbled in his notebook, "women like promptness."
"i am sorry :( what did u do today?"
"it's ok..."
"Politeness goes a long way," he wrote.
"... i got in trouble in school becuz i hit this guy becuz he kept pulling my hair :("
"No hair-pulling," he noted.
"so. what grade r u in?" Suzee asked.
Eric blushed. The large beads of sweat began to roll down his face to fall on his keyboard. He wiped his forhead with his hand and picked up more grease from his thin red hair. Shaking, he replied to Suzee, "i am not in school n e more."
"that is kool! what do u do then?"
"Girls like men who are no longer in school," He scribbled, before replying.
"i write about my newfound riches and how open-source is a superior method of software development."
There was a long pause. Eric's leg began to shake nervously. After a few minutes of nervous waiting, a long paragraph burst onto the screen.
"open-source is NOT a superior form of software development. The open-source model does not protect the user's rights the way the FREE SOFTWARE model does. Free software ensures that a user will have the right to modify his software and guarantees that the user will have full access to all source code. Open-source is nothing more than thinly-disguised corporate tool which only hints at the beauty of the socialist model."
Eric was shocked. Such thoughts from a young girl. He quickly scribbled in his notebook, "girls prefer FREE software to OPEN-SOURCE software." Eric was beside himself due to this shocking comment. He decided he should convince this youngster that open-source was the one true way.
"hang on a sec. i need to load up vi to get sum info to send u."
"VI?? You fucking idiot! Do you know how much time I spent on emacs... errr... ummmm... I mean... My brother told me that emacs does EVERYTHING. You could chat with me, load your info AND microwave the squirel you shot last night. Only morons and capitalists use vi."
Eric stared at the screen, his mouth wide open, a stream of drool dribbling onto his keyboard. He realized his pants were suddenly getting tight around the crotch.
"RMS??"
"Yes."
"Meet me at the super-8 motel in one hour?"
"I'll bring the Crisco!"
ESR leapt from his chair. He grabbed his keys from the desk and turned to rush from the room. He paused and returned to his desk to scribble in his notebook, "Fat disgusting free-software zealots are hotter than women!"
ESR lunged from the room, grabbing a fire-place poker and can of chocolate syrup on his way out the door...
But none of these compares to his Sex Tips for Geeks [tuxedo.org]. After all, if these tips can get ESR [auug.org.au] into some hottie's [spertus.com] pants, then any disgusting slob [saturnus.com] can get laid!
Seriously, though, how could ESR have developed these valuable mating tips? Nobody can make me believe that even if he offered all of his newfound wealth to the most hard-up crack-whore on the streets of New York he could get his stinger wet. My Philosophy professor always said, "you cannot invoke magic or God and expect to win an argument in this class." I am therefore left to reach only one possible conclusion. What follows is the only possible explanation for ESR's Sex Tips for Geeks [tuxedo.org].
The room was dark and the night was cold as the rain pelted against the window. Eric paid no attention, though, absorbed as he was in the warm glow of his computer monitor. A raspy voice grated out of the speakers situated on either side of his monitor, "you've got mail!"
It was his mother's voice, which he had recorded to use with the perl AOL interface he had been working on for the past 10 years. Eric smiled and wiped the sweat condensing in his palm on his thin swatch of hair, only to replace the sweat with the grease oozing from his scalp. His hands shaking, Eric simultaneously pressed the ctrl, alt, shift, F1 and page down keys to retrive the new mail message. He read the message aloud, his voice quivering with excitement.
"hi! i will meet with u on chat 7pm tonite! c u then, xoxoxoxo suzee."
Eric expunged a bulb of gas from his spastic bowel as he checked his watch. 6:57 pm. His shaking grew more extreme, more uncontrollable. He could barely press the key sequence alt, space, F10, F3, tab, scroll-lock, page-up and end to bring up his open-source AOL chat client. Eric was barely able to situate his notebook and ink his quil before the chat client began to load. Eight minutes later, the client was ready to go.
"hi eric," came the message.
Eagerly, Eric replied, "hi, suzee! how r u tonite?"
"fine, thanks. u r late! i wuz worried!"
Eric scribbled in his notebook, "women like promptness."
"i am sorry :( what did u do today?"
"it's ok..."
"Politeness goes a long way," he wrote.
"... i got in trouble in school becuz i hit this guy becuz he kept pulling my hair :("
"No hair-pulling," he noted.
"so. what grade r u in?" Suzee asked.
Eric blushed. The large beads of sweat began to roll down his face to fall on his keyboard. He wiped his forhead with his hand and picked up more grease from his thin red hair. Shaking, he replied to Suzee, "i am not in school n e more."
"that is kool! what do u do then?"
"Girls like men who are no longer in school," He scribbled, before replying.
"i write about my newfound riches and how open-source is a superior method of software development."
There was a long pause. Eric's leg began to shake nervously. After a few minutes of nervous waiting, a long paragraph burst onto the screen.
"open-source is NOT a superior form of software development. The open-source model does not protect the user's rights the way the FREE SOFTWARE model does. Free software ensures that a user will have the right to modify his software and guarantees that the user will have full access to all source code. Open-source is nothing more than thinly-disguised corporate tool which only hints at the beauty of the socialist model."
Eric was shocked. Such thoughts from a young girl. He quickly scribbled in his notebook, "girls prefer FREE software to OPEN-SOURCE software." Eric was beside himself due to this shocking comment. He decided he should convince this youngster that open-source was the one true way.
"hang on a sec. i need to load up vi to get sum info to send u."
"VI?? You fucking idiot! Do you know how much time I spent on emacs... errr... ummmm... I mean... My brother told me that emacs does EVERYTHING. You could chat with me, load your info AND microwave the squirel you shot last night. Only morons and capitalists use vi."
Eric stared at the screen, his mouth wide open, a stream of drool dribbling onto his keyboard. He realized his pants were suddenly getting tight around the crotch.
"RMS??"
"Yes."
"Meet me at the super-8 motel in one hour?"
"I'll bring the Crisco!"
ESR leapt from his chair. He grabbed his keys from the desk and turned to rush from the room. He paused and returned to his desk to scribble in his notebook, "Fat disgusting free-software zealots are hotter than women!"
ESR lunged from the room, grabbing a fire-place poker and can of chocolate syrup on his way out the door...