Walrus

Hello, I am currently 18 years old and I want to become a walrus. I know there’s a million people out there just like me, but I promise you I’m different. On December 14th, I’m moving to Antartica; home of the greatest walruses. I've already cut off my arms, and now slide on my stomach everywhere I go as training. I may not be a walrus yet, but I promise you if you give me a chance and the support I need, I will become the greatest walrus.

>>21
Hello, 2ch, yesterday I had an epic fail of indescribable scale happen to me.
I was sitting in a cafe with a girl, an amazing girl who looked like Amelie Poulain. We talked about the early Coltrane, about the 80s and about how modern youngsters are way out of check. We enjoyed ourselves, and I was planning to drive her around the night town to the sounds of Bohren und der Club of Gore whilst talking about the buildings built during the 80s, when I suddenly felt the desire to fart. My stomach churned with unhuman pain, I clasped my teeth, and tears streamed out of my eyes. The girl, paying no heed to my tension, went on tweeting about something, but I realized that unless I lax my sphincter right away, I would get fucking torn apart. No sooner did I imagine how my anus would be shattered than I felt a warm wave rush on to it. That was feces. And it was The Downfall.
Imagine the situation: I'm shifting uneasily on the chair, try to stand up a little, and my sphincter traitorously laxes, so I realize that the only thing remaining to do is to thunderously fart with sauce and shit my underwear.
The pressure mounted, I took the girl's hand, looked her in the eyes (she was very surprised but didn't pull the hand away) and said: "I'm sorry. We'll meet somewhere in another life. I'll miss you greatly". Subsequently, I laxed my sphincter and tensed my abdominal muscles.
[the following events transpired within 5 seconds]
At first there was nothing, only a ringing silence. It was my anus ringing. All around me froze in anticipation of my infernal farting.
Then, slowly, the rectal mucus started to pour through my anus, lubricating it and getting it ready for something great.
After that, there was a big bang that lasted for 3 seconds. A small universe made out of my shit was born that moment. The Sun, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Cepheus - all were made out of feces, and all were in my underwear.

When it was all over, I stood up and staggered away with no direction, leaving the girl and the other patrons sitting there with gasping mouths.
In my head, Coltrane played. Giant Steps.

>>22
Even Google doesn't know all countries yet, obviously.

>>23
Jealousy is a bad feeling. You should embettern dein shitposting to become as VIP as me (or more).