Neurotypical idiots

I fucking hate all of you for making me waste my time.

After graduating from university, I still was a virgin. Some of my ex-classmates I was kinda close with kept bugging me about my "distant, cold and aloof personality". They don't understand it's plain boring to spend your time with people who are majoring on computer engineering, yet still don't know how to install a Linux distro or make a basic IRC client in C. Because of this, interaction between us consisted of calling me whenever they wanted to play a multiplayer game or had a problem with their pirated software running on shitty hardware. Telling them outright to fuck off wasn't a good idea because university forces you to do group homework and making enemies is never a good idea, no matter where you are.

Now for the relevant part. Since we all grew out of university and went on with our lives, many of them followed the usual trend of getting a job, buying a car, finding a girlfriend and becoming utterly bitter faggots. One of my ex-classmates called me, said he's wondering how I've been doing and invited me over to his place. Trying not to be an asshole, I accepted his invitation and had a long conversation while we were having lunch. The lunch his girlfriend had prepared for all three of us.

Him: "How's life going for you?"
Me: "Got a job for a small company that works with embedded devices. Been writing some simple drivers and helping them with their Linux servers and stuff because they don't have any sysadmins yet. What about you?"
H: "Found a job at a company that makes software for other bigger companies. It's been pretty hard on me but I'm doing this for the both of us."
(starts staring at his girlfriend, she giggles and they kiss)
H: "I suppose you already found someone to give meaning to your life."
(first thought that comes to my head is that of my favorite Touhou, then I realize how gay he sounds)
M: "No, you know I'm not the kind of person to spend my time with others."
H: "Awww! Come on, aren't you a bit too old for that?"
(girlfriend agrees with a quick nod and a "Yeah, yeah")
H: I bet you still live alon- don't tell me you are still single!"
M: "Well, yeah. Time and money are virtually unlimited, there's nothing to complain about this lifestyle."
(girlfriend looks mildly offended)
H: "You wouldn't understand! You've never had someone to share your days with."
(Is that my fault? I consider myself an unintelligent dumbfuck and finding people who are mildly interesting is pretty fucking hard. Also, what kind of brainwashing have you been through? What's with those awfully cheesy sayings?)
M: "Of course not, I'm considerate enough not to bore other people to death with my endless ramblings about computers."
H: "Haha, don't say that, I'm pretty sure there's someone out there for you."
M: "I'm not trying to be mean, but I'm real fucking sick of that line. How many times have I told you I don't find permanent company enjoyable? Living alone and having all the time I want for myself is what I've always wanted ever since I was very young and I'm not giving it up after I've come this far."
H: "You're saying that because you're feeling lonely. Don't worry, it's not that uncommon to rationalize your situation, especially at your age. Believe me, you wouldn't want to go back to being single after you find someone you genuinely enjoy spending your time with."

Trying not to start a pointless argument at someone else's place, I laugh it off and propose we play something after we're done having lunch, on the excuse that "it's not that uncommon to become a little faggot at games, especially after you find a girlfriend". I was expecting his girlfriend to get mad and him to laugh, but instead they both laughed like monkeys. After finishing our lunch, I gave his girlfriend a honest compliment for her cooking skills, thanked both of them for the meal and went straight for his PS3. I spotted a brand new copy of some Call of Duty game,

M: "What about this one? Seems like neither of us have played this game before and it'd be nice to see if it really is catered for 12 year olds."
H: "Haha, yeah, I wouldn't play that game by myself, I bought it hoping I could play it with someone else."
M: "You haven't even peeled off the cover. Have you not played this with her?"
(you can read "shit, I totally forgot about her" on his face)
H: "Uh, she doesn't like that kind of games. (...) How about Little Big Planet?"
M: "Uh... okay."
("yay" in the background)

Thinking it would be a boring game for children, I was surprised after having some legitimate fun with it, though it's not my favorite kind of game and I was progressively getting bored. Seems like he was getting bored of it too, though his girlfriend was still brimming with enthusiasm. Which is funny because she was pretty bad at the game.

-- cont
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Indeed, instead of dreaming of Youmu I dreamed of Hatate telling me she wanted to break up or something like that. Can't be bothered to remember.

Until the sound of my cellphone woke me up. Who the fuck could be calling at this hour- oh don't tell me it's- fuck, it is. Hatate.

Not Hatate: "Hey are you Kate's boyfriend? Come pick her up."
M: "Where are you?"
-: "Let's see. the bar is right in front of the cafe so-"
M: "A bar right in front of the same cafe you were earlier?"
--: "Yeah-"
M: "Okay, please stay with her until I get there."

Thank god taxis aren't outrageously expensive where I live.

I got there. Once they saw me getting down from the taxi, they left her and ran off like children who just put a burning bag of shit in your lawn. True friendship.

I crossed the street. She was sitting on the sidewalk, drunk as fuck. I sat next to her.

M: "Let's go home."
H: "no- leave me alone-"
M: "It's me, Hatate."
H: "(...) no- don't call me that-"
(what the fuck did I even do)
M: "Let's go home."
H: "no-"

I had no choice but to carry her on my back and walk to the nearest avenue to hail a taxi. I was pretty mad at her for making me do this but I couldn't leave her alone. She didn't say a single word. The taxi driver wasn't too happy with the smell of alcohol.

We got home. Her clothes reeked of beer, so I left her on the couch, took her clothes off and put them in the washing machine to be washed the next day, and went to bed. Hatate was on my bed. She must have gotten there while I was at the washing machine.

She was there, only wearing her underwear and socks. I couldn't help but feel a bit aroused.

H: "are you not taking the rest off- i want you to-"
M: "Please go to sleep."
H: "no- please-"
M: "Go to sleep to the couch or I'll carry you there."
(I want to sleep, dammit)
H: "(...)"

She took her panties off.

H: "pleaaase-"
M: "No. Go to sleep already."

She curled up in a ball, pointing her butt at me. Uh, I guess I'll help myself. I was too tired to take her bra off.

Her vagina reeked of urine. I got a condom from the drawer anyway. We had drunk sex. Hint: unless you're 16, it's shit. I'm surprised she didn't piss herself while we were at it.

I stopped when I came. She didn't even orgasm. Still with the condom on, I carried her to the living room. Bad idea, it fell to the floor while I was dropping her on the couch. I went to sleep after cleaning up that mess and getting her a blanket.

Next day I woke up to find her sleeping on the floor. This time I was disgusted by her sleeping figure.

M: "Have some water."
H: "(...) thank you."

I took care of her for the rest of the day.

M: "Please explain this when you get better. Don't worry, I won't get mad."

She started crying. I let her be.

H: "Lately it feels like you've been ignoring me."
(I've been sacrificing my own free time to spend all of it with you, don't be unreasonable)
M: "Why do you say that?"
H: "It's like if you liked your computer more than you like me."
(um, yes)
M: "I'll be honest with you: you're depending too much on me. "
H: "Say what?"
M: "Don't you think it would be better if you spent some time for yourself? It's not healthy when neither of us have time to spend on ourselves."
(it also reminds me of obsessed teenagers and I'd rather you didn't do that)
H: "Are you breaking up with me?"
M: "I never said that."
H: "Fine."

I washed her clothes and let her stay while her clothes dried off. It was really awkward to have this girl sit on my couch blankly staring at the floor while I was finally getting some shit done in the comfort of my own room. Neither of us had anything to eat that day, I was too engrossed doing my stuff and I didn't really want to leave my room. I stood up, ironed her clothes and walked her to the station.

M: "I'm sorry, I didn't want things to turn out this way. I hope we'll meet each other in the near future."

She cried and left. And that's how it all ended.

She called me a few weeks later, saying she felt sorry for what she had done and asking us to get back together.

M: "Look, I had a lot of fun when we did stuff as friends and I'm sincerely sad we haven't been able to spend time like that. If you're okay with that, I don't mind being friends with you-"
H: "I can't accept that."

I would have been totally okay if we kept being friends, but that wasn't enough for her. Whatever. This meant more time for playing kusoges for elitist fags with Alice and more time for my projects.

Before you alpha player ladiesmen thundercocks jump and yell your "DUDE BRO THAT WAS JUST THE FIRST TIME YOU JUST DONT HAVE ENOUGH EXPERIENCE IVE FUCKED OVER 40 SLUTS JUST MAN UP LIKE BROOOO YOULL FIND THE RIGHT ONE FOR YOU". this wasn't the only relationship I've had. Sure, I looked in the wrong place for a long-term relationship but I wasn't aiming for that and I got what I was looking for. No, things don't get better after you fuck 40 random sluts until you find one that's old/boring enough to put up with your shit. No, women aren't worth sacrificing the rest of your life. No, sex isn't worth the hassle. (Not even when there isn't any hassle and said woman is a professional, but that comes for later). You might not believe this, but wasting your time on pointless shit like this is much worse than dying alone. Not everyone feels lonely when they're not with some uninteresting and emotionally unstable child. "I'm sorry you've never enjoyed sex like everyone is meant to"? I'm sorry you don't enjoyed programming as much as I do. Oh, you enjoy sex? Do you want a fucking badge? What do you get from shaming virgins and autists on the Internet? Is it to convince yourself your girlfriend is actually worth your time? Are you trying to prove yourself to some crowd? You're living a happy life, congratulations! How about you shut the fuck up and stop caring about everyone else's life. "I have a wife who's understanding and you're jealous because you don't know what it's like". Great for you, I've also got a friend who's made me feel happier than any real woman would ever do. She doesn't exist, yet she's been more enriching to me than any of your dick waving contests has ever been.

Youmu: "Told you. Well, at least now you know what it's like to be in a relationship."
Me: "I'm sorry for ever doubting you."
Y: "That's if your body doesn't betray you again."
M: "Let's hope for the best."

Thank you for giving me the strength to put up with this shit, Youmu. You don't know how much you mean to me. Thank you ZUN for creating her.

-- cont