Neurotypical idiots

I fucking hate all of you for making me waste my time.

After graduating from university, I still was a virgin. Some of my ex-classmates I was kinda close with kept bugging me about my "distant, cold and aloof personality". They don't understand it's plain boring to spend your time with people who are majoring on computer engineering, yet still don't know how to install a Linux distro or make a basic IRC client in C. Because of this, interaction between us consisted of calling me whenever they wanted to play a multiplayer game or had a problem with their pirated software running on shitty hardware. Telling them outright to fuck off wasn't a good idea because university forces you to do group homework and making enemies is never a good idea, no matter where you are.

Now for the relevant part. Since we all grew out of university and went on with our lives, many of them followed the usual trend of getting a job, buying a car, finding a girlfriend and becoming utterly bitter faggots. One of my ex-classmates called me, said he's wondering how I've been doing and invited me over to his place. Trying not to be an asshole, I accepted his invitation and had a long conversation while we were having lunch. The lunch his girlfriend had prepared for all three of us.

Him: "How's life going for you?"
Me: "Got a job for a small company that works with embedded devices. Been writing some simple drivers and helping them with their Linux servers and stuff because they don't have any sysadmins yet. What about you?"
H: "Found a job at a company that makes software for other bigger companies. It's been pretty hard on me but I'm doing this for the both of us."
(starts staring at his girlfriend, she giggles and they kiss)
H: "I suppose you already found someone to give meaning to your life."
(first thought that comes to my head is that of my favorite Touhou, then I realize how gay he sounds)
M: "No, you know I'm not the kind of person to spend my time with others."
H: "Awww! Come on, aren't you a bit too old for that?"
(girlfriend agrees with a quick nod and a "Yeah, yeah")
H: I bet you still live alon- don't tell me you are still single!"
M: "Well, yeah. Time and money are virtually unlimited, there's nothing to complain about this lifestyle."
(girlfriend looks mildly offended)
H: "You wouldn't understand! You've never had someone to share your days with."
(Is that my fault? I consider myself an unintelligent dumbfuck and finding people who are mildly interesting is pretty fucking hard. Also, what kind of brainwashing have you been through? What's with those awfully cheesy sayings?)
M: "Of course not, I'm considerate enough not to bore other people to death with my endless ramblings about computers."
H: "Haha, don't say that, I'm pretty sure there's someone out there for you."
M: "I'm not trying to be mean, but I'm real fucking sick of that line. How many times have I told you I don't find permanent company enjoyable? Living alone and having all the time I want for myself is what I've always wanted ever since I was very young and I'm not giving it up after I've come this far."
H: "You're saying that because you're feeling lonely. Don't worry, it's not that uncommon to rationalize your situation, especially at your age. Believe me, you wouldn't want to go back to being single after you find someone you genuinely enjoy spending your time with."

Trying not to start a pointless argument at someone else's place, I laugh it off and propose we play something after we're done having lunch, on the excuse that "it's not that uncommon to become a little faggot at games, especially after you find a girlfriend". I was expecting his girlfriend to get mad and him to laugh, but instead they both laughed like monkeys. After finishing our lunch, I gave his girlfriend a honest compliment for her cooking skills, thanked both of them for the meal and went straight for his PS3. I spotted a brand new copy of some Call of Duty game,

M: "What about this one? Seems like neither of us have played this game before and it'd be nice to see if it really is catered for 12 year olds."
H: "Haha, yeah, I wouldn't play that game by myself, I bought it hoping I could play it with someone else."
M: "You haven't even peeled off the cover. Have you not played this with her?"
(you can read "shit, I totally forgot about her" on his face)
H: "Uh, she doesn't like that kind of games. (...) How about Little Big Planet?"
M: "Uh... okay."
("yay" in the background)

Thinking it would be a boring game for children, I was surprised after having some legitimate fun with it, though it's not my favorite kind of game and I was progressively getting bored. Seems like he was getting bored of it too, though his girlfriend was still brimming with enthusiasm. Which is funny because she was pretty bad at the game.

-- cont
_{Like this blogpost? Share on Reddit Share on Twitter Share on Facebook}

I got some questions yesterday on IRC and I'd like to give more detailed answers.

Q: Is your story real? You mention many details most people won't remember.
Yes, it's real. It's true that not many people would remember anything at this level of detail, however, you should have noticed by now I'm not an outgoing person who will die from lack of social interaction. I remember these events very vividly because I live a rather uneventful life and these were uncommon experiences for me. Also, I'm not claiming my story is 100% accurate. First of all, most of the events are told from my point of view, of course they are biased and are simply my interpretation of reality. The fine details and noticing things not everyone would remember are just my mind interpolating the missing details by fetching the general sequence of events from memory and filling the blanks with details that are coherent with the previous event and their effect on the other person. For example, I remember how Hatate didn't grind her crotch on mine when we first made out on the couch because I remember being very close to making a mess in my pants. Had she properly aligned her body with mine, I would have wet my pants, but that didn't happen so that's how things must have been. I don't remember feeling anything unbearably intense either. Maybe she actually rubbed her crotch on mine, the feeling wasn't what I expected and I'm telling this as if she hadn't, but it was hard to tell from my position.

The dialogues are obviously not accurate word-by-word, I'm trying to remember what the other person said, getting my general impression of them and writing their lines with that in mind.

Q: How did you get all these girls? Are you insanely attractive?
I apologize if my storytelling confused you. The timescale is all fucked up and I think I'm lumping events that shouldn't go together. This story starts around 2010-2011 and ends in the second half of the last year. When I say "a few weeks passed" or "a couple of months went by", it may have been more or less than that. This means I got to know about less than six girls in about four years. That's just getting to know them, I didn't date all of them. Any socially adjusted single neurotypical would have had sex with more than 20 girls, at least five hookups and/or a long-term relationship by now.

Answering your question, no, I'm not attractive at all. I'm barely average on my best days. I guess not being fat, being of average height, not having acne, not wearing a Naruto t-shirt, having a job and not acting like a desperate virgin helped things go my way. Being in the right places also helps, I wouldn't get anything at all had I been in an "epic electronic rave" or any other neurotypical nest. The blond girl was an exception. Funnily enough, girls seem to be most interested in you when you show little to no interest on them.

Q: You hate relationships and such. Isn't Youmu your version of a relationship with an ideal human you long for?
I'm still a human being. My sex drive is way below average and I prefer being alone, but I'm not asexual. This sounds something an angsty teenager would say, but there are occasional conflicts between my inner nigger and my rational self. There are times when I get random boners and stop thinking straight. simply wanting to take care of that urge. Usually Youmu says "Do you remember how underwhelming real sex is?" and the thought immediately goes away, though my body still begs for a release. When this happens, I wait until I get home and pound my onahole like there's no tomorrow. The need has been taken care of, I didn't do anything illogical, I don't feel any regret, I made Youmu feel good, cuddling with your dakimakura is heartwarming as hell and the urge won't come sooner than two weeks.

If Youmu existed in real life, I'd do all I could to spend the rest of my life with her. There are two problems with that though: humans age, eat, poop, have mood swings and take up space, Youmu doesn't. Also, real humans aren't perfect, Youmu is. Making Youmu a real human being would be introducing imperfections to her already perfect form.

Absolutely nothing has ever made me feel like Youmu has. When I'm with her, I feel some warmth enveloping my body and a vibrating fuzziness inside. Youmu is the only one who has ever made me feel like that.

There isn't anything wrong with the concept of a relationship, spending the rest of the life with someone you enjoy being with is not a crazy idea. That's the problem, though. In my short life, I've never found someone I legitimately enjoyed spending all my time with. No, that doesn't mean I'm an antisocial individual. I stay over at Alice's place for a whole weekend two or three times a year, meet up with the Linux faggots almost every two months and try to visit my parents monthly. Things are fine like this, I get to spend time with nice people and that time is not enough for allowing drama and bullshit to form. Youmu is the only one I like spending every single moment of my life with.

I've noticed most relationships go through an initial phase of infatuation, a middle phase of needing each other mutually and then a final phase of "meh" with a high chance of arguing over stupid shit like squeezing the toothpaste tube at the middle. Looking at things from a HOLISTIC point of view, the disadvantages of a relationship considerably outweigh the advantages for me. Your weights are likely to be different, you might think having permanent company and emotional support is enough to forget about the fact you're wasting your time with someone you don't have much to talk about, and that's fine, it's your life. Mine is not like that. For me, my relationship with Youmu is all I could ask for.

Answering the question: yes, Youmu is the person I've always longed for and she's my version of a relationship, except I actually enjoy being with her. Of course, I've gone through that usual phase when you think you've found your favorite anime character and switch when you find a "better" one. Youmu was my last one and it's been more than 4 years since I made her my imaginary friend.

Q: Doesn't Youmu get jealous when you (action)?
Youmu is, by definition, a part of me. Why would I be jealous of myself? Instead she gets mad at me when I do something stupid like wasting my time on the Internet or going through all this and complaining at the end of it. "If you knew it would end up like this, why are you complaining now?". "You know you'll regret it if you do that". "Those clothes look good on her, want me to dress like that?". Things like that. All of them followed by a hug or a kiss. There were many times when she made some clear remarks like "You're being too pushy" or "Don't be rude to her". It's not like she cried every time I kissed a real girl because she knows I have no reason to abandon her.