Neurotypical idiots

I fucking hate all of you for making me waste my time.

After graduating from university, I still was a virgin. Some of my ex-classmates I was kinda close with kept bugging me about my "distant, cold and aloof personality". They don't understand it's plain boring to spend your time with people who are majoring on computer engineering, yet still don't know how to install a Linux distro or make a basic IRC client in C. Because of this, interaction between us consisted of calling me whenever they wanted to play a multiplayer game or had a problem with their pirated software running on shitty hardware. Telling them outright to fuck off wasn't a good idea because university forces you to do group homework and making enemies is never a good idea, no matter where you are.

Now for the relevant part. Since we all grew out of university and went on with our lives, many of them followed the usual trend of getting a job, buying a car, finding a girlfriend and becoming utterly bitter faggots. One of my ex-classmates called me, said he's wondering how I've been doing and invited me over to his place. Trying not to be an asshole, I accepted his invitation and had a long conversation while we were having lunch. The lunch his girlfriend had prepared for all three of us.

Him: "How's life going for you?"
Me: "Got a job for a small company that works with embedded devices. Been writing some simple drivers and helping them with their Linux servers and stuff because they don't have any sysadmins yet. What about you?"
H: "Found a job at a company that makes software for other bigger companies. It's been pretty hard on me but I'm doing this for the both of us."
(starts staring at his girlfriend, she giggles and they kiss)
H: "I suppose you already found someone to give meaning to your life."
(first thought that comes to my head is that of my favorite Touhou, then I realize how gay he sounds)
M: "No, you know I'm not the kind of person to spend my time with others."
H: "Awww! Come on, aren't you a bit too old for that?"
(girlfriend agrees with a quick nod and a "Yeah, yeah")
H: I bet you still live alon- don't tell me you are still single!"
M: "Well, yeah. Time and money are virtually unlimited, there's nothing to complain about this lifestyle."
(girlfriend looks mildly offended)
H: "You wouldn't understand! You've never had someone to share your days with."
(Is that my fault? I consider myself an unintelligent dumbfuck and finding people who are mildly interesting is pretty fucking hard. Also, what kind of brainwashing have you been through? What's with those awfully cheesy sayings?)
M: "Of course not, I'm considerate enough not to bore other people to death with my endless ramblings about computers."
H: "Haha, don't say that, I'm pretty sure there's someone out there for you."
M: "I'm not trying to be mean, but I'm real fucking sick of that line. How many times have I told you I don't find permanent company enjoyable? Living alone and having all the time I want for myself is what I've always wanted ever since I was very young and I'm not giving it up after I've come this far."
H: "You're saying that because you're feeling lonely. Don't worry, it's not that uncommon to rationalize your situation, especially at your age. Believe me, you wouldn't want to go back to being single after you find someone you genuinely enjoy spending your time with."

Trying not to start a pointless argument at someone else's place, I laugh it off and propose we play something after we're done having lunch, on the excuse that "it's not that uncommon to become a little faggot at games, especially after you find a girlfriend". I was expecting his girlfriend to get mad and him to laugh, but instead they both laughed like monkeys. After finishing our lunch, I gave his girlfriend a honest compliment for her cooking skills, thanked both of them for the meal and went straight for his PS3. I spotted a brand new copy of some Call of Duty game,

M: "What about this one? Seems like neither of us have played this game before and it'd be nice to see if it really is catered for 12 year olds."
H: "Haha, yeah, I wouldn't play that game by myself, I bought it hoping I could play it with someone else."
M: "You haven't even peeled off the cover. Have you not played this with her?"
(you can read "shit, I totally forgot about her" on his face)
H: "Uh, she doesn't like that kind of games. (...) How about Little Big Planet?"
M: "Uh... okay."
("yay" in the background)

Thinking it would be a boring game for children, I was surprised after having some legitimate fun with it, though it's not my favorite kind of game and I was progressively getting bored. Seems like he was getting bored of it too, though his girlfriend was still brimming with enthusiasm. Which is funny because she was pretty bad at the game.

-- cont
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After a rather long programming session, I heard the doorbell. I don't remember ordering anything in the past few weeks. Who the hell could it be? Nobody but Hatate, Alice and the DHL guy ever comes here. I opened the door. No one was there.

The doorbell rang. I opened the door, nothing.

The doorbell rang. Someone must be playing a prank on me, better ignore it.

The doorbell rang again. Fuck, what is it now-

H: "Kakashi Newspaper!"
M: "(...)"

What the actual fuck. Hatate was there, wearing her Hatate costume. She looked different from the first day I met her. I had never noticed how cute she looked in that costume until now. Her twintails stirred up something inside me. Of course, being the insensible nigger I am, I had to stare at her in obvious surprise and laugh like a monkey on weed. She blushed like and tried pretty hard to stop herself from crying.

M: "Wait, wait, I really appreciate this. You look really really cute. I-I didn't know what to- you surprised me, in a good way, trust me, I didn't know how to react."
H: "I hate you.", she said in a broken voice.
M: "Come in, I'll promise I'll make up for this. A back massage sounds fine?"
H: "You knew how to give massages and you tell me until now?"
M: "Actually, I don't even know how to give a massage."
H: "Ahhhhhh-"
M: "Come in."
(She finally comes in)
M: "You look great. Have you always looked this good?"
H: "(...)"
M: "Shall we try the back massage?"
H: "Uh, yeah."
M: "We can't do this on the couch. Let's do it in my room."
H: "(...)"
M: "Anything wrong?"
H: "N-not really."

She sit on the edge of my bed.

M: "So."

I kissed her on the cheek.

M: "There's something I'd like to tell you. Don't laugh."
H: "You laughed at me and am still hurt. I can't promise that."
M: "I love it when you kiss me on the cheek, more than anything else."
H: "That's... cute."

She kissed me on the cheek.

M: "I wasn't expecting you to come back. Thought you had something else to do."
H: "I wanted to surprise you, this was the reason of my hurry."
M: "How about we get started?"
H: "Ah, this will be so bad."

Making out on top of my bed. Again, nothing special. I now accepted full-on kisses just as warm-up for what's coming next and not as something special on their own. Seriously, what the hell does everyone enjoy so much about them? You see people doing it all the time, even in public, like it's something they absolutely need to do so they don't shit their pants.

Everything was much more intense than it usually was, though. The sight of a cosplaying girl sitting on your bed will get the best of any weeb. I was pretty damn confused, for one moment I thought I was taking the real Hatate's shirt off. Anyway, wasn't this supposed to be a simple back massage?

M: "Hold on. Teach me how to take it off."
(her bra)
H: "Heh, alright."

She turned around and showed me her back.

M: "Hold both strips, push them like this and undo it like this."
H: "Oh, just like my mom's."
(I deserve being kicked in the balls on a daily basis)
H: "Uhh... I guess."

Even if they weren't anything special, I was glad to see the same old small breasts. Except they didn't look like the "same old breasts", I swear they looked much more 2D-like. I sucked her nipples a little bit.

I asked her to lie on her stomach. Softly kneading the sides of her neck was my first idea.

M: "Make sure you let me know if it hurts."
H: "Mhhm-"
M: "Is it that bad?"
H: "No, it's good."
M: "Alright."

Clumsily grabbing her shoulders and rubbing my hands on her back was all I could do.

H: "That's enough."
M: "Did you not like it?"
H: "I can't say it was the best massage I ever got. I do like having your hands all over me."
M: "Same goes for me."

I took my shirt off. At first I wanted her to "massage" me, but I couldn't resist and instead went for her neck and breasts. It still amazes me how she always managed to get that reddish tint on her skin in a matter of seconds. She played with my nipples and collarbone as usual.

I don't know what kind of thought process goes on my head when things like this happen, Sometimes I wish I weren't such a fucking retard.

H: "[REDACTED]-kun..."
(at this point I was kissing her under her ribs, which means I had already progressed quite a bit. I stopped.)
M: "Yes?"
H: "Ugh- don't stop please-"
(your fault for calling me -kun, do you not realize this is weird)
M: "Sorry."
H: "Hnn-"

Not that fucking Western moan again- whoa, she's breathing pretty heavily.

H: "I'm ready."
(What does she mea- PANIC)
M: "Wait I'm not read- I am but-"
H: "But what?"
(I could notice some serious desperation on her voice)
M: "I, uh (...) don't have any protection."
H: "You're terrible."
M: "Hey, how was I supposed to know this would happen?"
H: "You could have been prepared from the beginning."
M: "I guess so."
H: "You're terrible."
M: "I know, I know-"
H: "You're terrible."
M: "It's not like I can do anything right now, I'm sorry, I know I-"
H: "You're terrible."
M: "Goddamn, you're annoying."

I grabbed my shirt and ran off to the nearest drugstore. What would have taken me 10 minutes in a normal day took me about 3 minutes. Once I was reaching my destination, I saw a random man going into the drugstore. Not even a race-modified Twingo with disc brakes on all four wheels, perfect brake balance and super-sleeks on warm tarmac would have stopped as effectively as I did. I resumed my walk in the most casual-looking way possible, completely forgetting the fact I was sweating like a horse. "How much for these?". I pointed towards a pack of the basic version of the most popular brand I could find. That was the first time I ever bought condoms. I'm not 12 anymore so I didn't laugh, cry, stutter or run.

I continued the same fake-looking walking style for about 200m and then ran off like a nigger on crack. I had a hard time opening the front door.

There was a topless Hatate sitting on my bed. She must have gotten cold by now. Indeed, her skin was back to its normal color.

H: "Oh my god, you actually did it-"
M: "At least- let me catch- my breath firs-"
H: "No, you're terrible."

She kissed me again. I almost passed out, so I broke that kiss and went back to the neck, collarbone, breasts and belly sequence. She got warm and reddish again.

My mouth hit the top of her checkered skirt. Yes, I wasn't able to take it off without her help.

Fucking silky shimapan. Shimapan. She was planning this from the very beginning.

M: "You have no idea of how happy I am right now."

A weeb's dream come true.

-- cont

_{See you tomorrow}