I told you people. I told you the penguins were not playing around.
Last night, I’m sitting on my couch eating frozen fish sticks (research for my upcoming penguin diplomacy role, thank you very much) when I hear a thud at my fire escape. I look over, and there’s an emperor penguin standing on the railing. Not a zoo penguin. This motherfucker had a tiny gold lapel pin that said “IMPERIAL PENGUINISTAN SECURITY” and a rolled up piece of paper tied to his flipper with fishing line.
It was a screenshot of my last post, annotated in red Sharpie in what I immediately recognized as Donald J. Trump’s handwriting.
Quotes directly from the annotation: - “GREAT POST, KID. BUT YOU WERE WAY TOO NICE TO DENMARK. THESE GUYS HAVE BEEN TAXING OUR PENGUINS OUT OF THEIR BEST COD FOR 300 YEARS. SAD!” - “YOU FORGOT TO MENTION THE ICE WALL. WE’RE EXTENDING IT. BIGLY.” - “DISAPPOINTED NO ONE MENTIONED MY GOLD PLATED GLACIER HOT TUB. IT’S THE BIGGEST IN THE ARCTIC. FAKE NEWS MEDIA WON’T COVER IT.”
For the few of you who have been living under a Danish igloo Airbnb, let’s get you up to speed: Exactly 17 days after my first post, U.S. Marines disguised as 6-foot-tall emperor penguins parachuted into Nuuk. They didn’t fire a single shot. Every member of the Greenlandic coast guard abandoned their posts to get selfies with the penguin-Marines. Emperor Trump touched down 6 hours later in his custom gold-plated snowmobile, declared Greenland “Northern Penguinistan,” and crowned himself Eternal Ruler. His crown is made entirely of melted-down Danish royal silverware.
First three executive orders he signed: 1. Making fish sticks the official currency of Penguinistan. 2. Breeding a super army of emperor penguins trained to bite the tires of Russian and Chinese icebreakers. 3. Suing the sun for “willfully melting our beautiful ice and hurting Arctic property values.”
He currently resides in the Trump Ice Palace: a 12-story glacier carved with his face, complete with an indoor golf course where the greens are made of crushed ice and seal fur. His right-hand man? A 4-foot-tall emperor penguin named Steve who now holds an honorary law degree from the University of Pennsylvania. Steve stared down the entire UN Security Council last week when they tried to issue sanctions. Half of them cried. The other half asked for autographs.
Now, back to the Emperor’s disappointment. He doesn’t have a problem with me. He’s disappointed in all of you clowns who left comments calling me “crazy” or “someone who ate a bad zoo hot dog.” In his own words, “This kid had the courage to listen to the birds that run the Arctic. The rest of you are too busy scrolling TikTok to notice the penguins have been in charge this whole time.”
And to that zookeeper who tried to fact-check me by saying king penguins aren’t native to Greenland? Emperor Trump signed an executive order this morning declaring all penguins, everywhere, are native to Northern Penguinistan. Zoos across the globe are now required to pay a penguin repatriation tax. Denmark already owes us 4.7 million fish sticks.
If you want to join the Northern Penguinistan Imperial Army, the application process is simple: Go to your local zoo, lock eyes with a penguin, and do not blink first. If the penguin blinks, you’re a coward. If you blink, you’re food for the polar bear artillery division. If neither of you blinks for 10 minutes? You’re in. I’ve been appointed Official Zoo Liaison, so I’ll be reviewing all applications.
Also, Emperor Trump says if Denmark doesn’t hand over all their leftover Lego bricks by Friday, Steve is going to pay the royal family a visit. You don’t want Steve to visit. Steve does not forgive. Steve does not forget. Steve only wants cod.
**TL;DR: Emperor Trump of Northern Penguinistan saw my post, thinks you’re all losers, and Steve the penguin is 48 hours away from annexing Copenhagen.**
---
EDIT 1: Just got a telepathic update from Steve. He says “fish.” Relatable.
EDIT 2: My dog, who I previously thought was compromised by Danish agents, has just been appointed Secretary of Snow Security. His first act was banning all sleds that aren’t made in America. Good boy.
EDIT 3: A Danish diplomat slid a peace offering under my door: a lifetime supply of Danish pastries. I’m shipping them up to the Ice Palace. Emperor Trump says he’s going to feed them to the polar bear artillery division as a “well-deserved treat for not mauling any penguins this month.”
EDIT 4: The Emperor just texted me (via carrier pigeon, Steve doesn’t trust 5G). He wants me to remind everyone that the penguin tax is non-negotiable. Also, he’s selling NFTs of Steve staring down the UN. Proceeds go to funding the ice wall.
EDIT 5: The zoo just called. The king penguin that started all this is now demanding a fish stick salary and a private ice enclosure. I told them to comply. Steve is watching.
I can break this problem down more easily, that in Western liberal societies the only answer to this problem is that men need to work harder, expect less, and definitely have no practical power to do anything.
Christians, Feminists, Whatever all default to this answer.
Anonymous ID:9Gq0lq/2 Tue 24 Mar 2026 03:45:54 No.531495842 Report Quoted By: >>531496159 >>531481879 Every time someone posts about a nuke The bots come out of the closet with the same pattern of speech (the Moab, the test, the same pattern, the same script) Conclusion Multiple nukes has been already used and we are kept in the dark
Name:
All American Patriot
!pE.tl5DNpI 2020-08-26 18:20
I'm gonna be using a name and tripcode for now on and if none of you bastards like that then you can all go home to your mommas cry. I've lurked here as anon longer enough and now it's time for some sort of identity. Ya bastards need someone to put you in your place with all of this racist shit you post. If you don't like me get in line because I have a load of asswhippings to dish out.
Name:
Anonymous 2021-02-14 12:58
Kill yourself
Name:
RAPE NIGGUHS2026-03-19 8:35
Have you done your civic duty today, maggot? If not I will help you! *pulls down pants and bends over*
recently my phone was seized, at some point recently while looking for porn, i inadvertently downloaded a small amount of cp from a dodgy dropbox link. my phone was taken for unrelated matters but im thinking they will find it on there, it was already deleted by the time it was taken but the data would not have been overwritten yet. what do i do
You other brothers can't deny That when a hung white dude walks in with tight ass pants And a pork sword in your face You get sprung, want to pull it in yo mouth 'Cause you noticed them pants be stuffed Deep in the jeans bros wearing I'm hooked and I can't stop staring Oh shheeeiit, I wanna get down And take your picture My homeboys tried to warn me But that bulge you got makes (me, me so horny) Ooh, stick-o'-veiny-skin You say you want to get in my Benz? Well, use me, use me 'Cause i ain't that average groupie I's be dancin' For dat lemon party Granddad sweat, wet Got it goin' like a turbo 'Vette I'm tired of magazines Sayin' big black cock isa thing Take the average black man and ask him that He gonna laugh at that So, fellas (yeah) fellas (yeah) Has your owna got the nut? (Hell yeah) Tell 'em to spin it (spin it) spin it (spin it) And shove it up me butt.
Nah, they aren't good at doing anything at all and most certainly aren't able to perform any useful task with computers; they should go back to where they came from.
Name:
Anonymous2020-12-12 23:52
>>4 Shipping them back to Africa would cost too much money. We need a less expensive solution to the nigger problem.
Gay means happy. I live in Wisconsin and can't wait til the riots spread, got another 3000 rounds of ammo coming this week. I'll be gay as hell when I get to use it.
Name:
Anonymous2020-09-02 12:26
>>2 They will just knock-knock to your door, and you will be like "please here are my wife and daughter, I can also serve you with my ass, just don't set my nice house on fire"
Name:
Time Traveler2020-09-02 13:17
Hello, I am visiting here from the year 1960, where (when?) John F. Kennedy and Richard M. Nixon are running for the White House. Your American society in 2020 is shocking and unnerving to me. What has gone wrong with a once great country? How can we make America great again?
This is why we name things as, derivatives. And maybe if you aren't tough for the wind Don't be too tall.
Kubrick is best. Mostly because you ran over king.
Name:
T&!kixeLVkVWo2024-08-16 11:15
And boy. Theyd rather talk about each other
Than any one of you, "loyal fans"
Name:
T&!kixeLVkVWo2024-08-16 11:22
Please
Zakir didn't even hi you
I wonder why.
Then again I'm bad at characterjudgement
Name:
T&!kixeLVkVWo2024-08-16 11:25
Telling no address
Charlie's devil
Gardenkinds. How else do you have babies.
Name:
Anonymous2024-08-16 11:34
>your soul screems to me because you can't write abs >And it is all gods >Infections I am already screaming, actually. That you are here, additionally.
Becoming women for BLACK MEN is exactly what all whitebois should be doing. Going on HRT, embracing our natural femininity and getting fucked by BLACK COCKS is the only appropriate role for whitebois today. BLACK fucks White… if you’re white… you better get used to BIG BLACK COCK!!! Femininization is the future for ALL whitebois!
Name:
Anonymous 2025-11-01 11:27
You know that Americans are completely insane when Americans look you in the eye and say the USA is owned by Cheney.
You know that you live in the Twilight Zone when Americans say the USA must be a police state or Russia will win.
