>>2 I know this will sound stupid or trollish, but applying rubbing alcohol or witch-hazel in shaved areas will prevent that from happening. Sure, it will sting like a fucker for about 30 seconds, but that's way better than having itchy balls/anus for 2 weeks. Just make sure you don't get any of it inside your rectum.
STOP! Before you do, read this. You may change your mind.
I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to all though tasteless, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble pooping. No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my asscheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling.
Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with somepaper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold. I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey, this is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea.
I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occasionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn babe. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over.
Little did I know. I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry. Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic poop -molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky poop/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm. Unfortunately, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks.
As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering poop/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own poop blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks." Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my asscheeks.
Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil. As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo pad.
Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.
Friends-DON'T SHAVE YOUR ASS-HAIR!
Name:
Anonymous2014-07-03 21:17
Don't shave, pull each individual hair or whatever with tweezers and do some waxing as necessary. You'll have a female master race tier butt and balls/cock then. just pure smooth skin forever no hair or those black things forgot what they are called but have something to do with hair.
pull each individual hair or whatever with tweezers
If you think that's a good idea, your butthole clearly isn't nearly as hairy as mine
Name:
Anonymous2014-07-04 1:19
>>9-11 I hate this kopipe. Absolutely nothing is true unless you're an overweight lardass. Having a shaved butthole is delightful. Shitting with a smooth anus is much better than having some shit balls stuck on your ass jungle.
>>19 Wipe it until you have wasted at least 1-2 full packs(I mean the small things that have the paper around) toilet papers, you should stop wiping when it is 100% clear of poopoo, you also should remove the poop balls from the hair the same way. putting a small amount of water on the toilet paper will help. Never re-use one toilet paper. Also try to put the paper inside your anus and maybe deep in it by using your finger
After that get in the bath and put motherfucking soap inside and outside your anus, do this for 5+ minutes. And when I say inside I mean inside
Wipe it until you have wasted at least 1-2 full packs(I mean the small things that have the paper around) toilet papers, you should stop wiping when it is 100% clear of poopoo, you also should remove the poop balls from the hair the same way
I tried doing this but it made my butthole bleed, is this normal??
Name:
Anonymous2014-07-04 22:43
>>25 Did you put water? I think it bleeds in the start, I don't remember
Dry wiping makes no sense at all. It's as dumb as getting your hands greasy and thinking you're done cleaning them by rubbing them on your clothes.
I hope you guys at least take through showers daily.
Name:
Anonymous2014-07-04 23:50
>>28 Actually that is a pretty good analogy. Dry wiping makes sense if you don't have access to a washing station. Are bidets really common in public restrooms outside North America? My understanding is that it's unusual for public restrooms outside East Asia to have them.
And yes most American pigs I know shower daily (sometimes more, for precisely this reason).
Name:
Anonymous2014-07-04 23:54
>>28-29 Even if you use wey wiping you should wash your butthole right after that
>>27 Fuck off dirty nigger, I am not an american anyway
Name:
Anonymous2014-07-05 0:17
Yeah, too many shitskin eurotrash or other shitty third world 4channers here, also even new to 4chan (only going/knowing about it in 2008 or after). the ``america sux'' maymay (maymay is an insult, as memes are a bad thing) is a 4chan maymay and if you use it you're from there and also new as it is recent and common among normalfags who have ruined 4chan and are from shitty non usa countries. sicp = usa. 4chan moot = usa, jap shit entirely consumed by americans etc etc.
i am le 4chan and i love le maymays lelelelellel le jew jewish ameri amerifat lelelelelelelellelelele le so epic xD maymays u liek mudkipz lelelelellelelelelelelel le maymays lul lelelelelelelle so epic lele /b/!!!! lelelelelelel i am from le 4chan look at melelellelelel