Neurotypical idiots

I fucking hate all of you for making me waste my time.

After graduating from university, I still was a virgin. Some of my ex-classmates I was kinda close with kept bugging me about my "distant, cold and aloof personality". They don't understand it's plain boring to spend your time with people who are majoring on computer engineering, yet still don't know how to install a Linux distro or make a basic IRC client in C. Because of this, interaction between us consisted of calling me whenever they wanted to play a multiplayer game or had a problem with their pirated software running on shitty hardware. Telling them outright to fuck off wasn't a good idea because university forces you to do group homework and making enemies is never a good idea, no matter where you are.

Now for the relevant part. Since we all grew out of university and went on with our lives, many of them followed the usual trend of getting a job, buying a car, finding a girlfriend and becoming utterly bitter faggots. One of my ex-classmates called me, said he's wondering how I've been doing and invited me over to his place. Trying not to be an asshole, I accepted his invitation and had a long conversation while we were having lunch. The lunch his girlfriend had prepared for all three of us.

Him: "How's life going for you?"
Me: "Got a job for a small company that works with embedded devices. Been writing some simple drivers and helping them with their Linux servers and stuff because they don't have any sysadmins yet. What about you?"
H: "Found a job at a company that makes software for other bigger companies. It's been pretty hard on me but I'm doing this for the both of us."
(starts staring at his girlfriend, she giggles and they kiss)
H: "I suppose you already found someone to give meaning to your life."
(first thought that comes to my head is that of my favorite Touhou, then I realize how gay he sounds)
M: "No, you know I'm not the kind of person to spend my time with others."
H: "Awww! Come on, aren't you a bit too old for that?"
(girlfriend agrees with a quick nod and a "Yeah, yeah")
H: I bet you still live alon- don't tell me you are still single!"
M: "Well, yeah. Time and money are virtually unlimited, there's nothing to complain about this lifestyle."
(girlfriend looks mildly offended)
H: "You wouldn't understand! You've never had someone to share your days with."
(Is that my fault? I consider myself an unintelligent dumbfuck and finding people who are mildly interesting is pretty fucking hard. Also, what kind of brainwashing have you been through? What's with those awfully cheesy sayings?)
M: "Of course not, I'm considerate enough not to bore other people to death with my endless ramblings about computers."
H: "Haha, don't say that, I'm pretty sure there's someone out there for you."
M: "I'm not trying to be mean, but I'm real fucking sick of that line. How many times have I told you I don't find permanent company enjoyable? Living alone and having all the time I want for myself is what I've always wanted ever since I was very young and I'm not giving it up after I've come this far."
H: "You're saying that because you're feeling lonely. Don't worry, it's not that uncommon to rationalize your situation, especially at your age. Believe me, you wouldn't want to go back to being single after you find someone you genuinely enjoy spending your time with."

Trying not to start a pointless argument at someone else's place, I laugh it off and propose we play something after we're done having lunch, on the excuse that "it's not that uncommon to become a little faggot at games, especially after you find a girlfriend". I was expecting his girlfriend to get mad and him to laugh, but instead they both laughed like monkeys. After finishing our lunch, I gave his girlfriend a honest compliment for her cooking skills, thanked both of them for the meal and went straight for his PS3. I spotted a brand new copy of some Call of Duty game,

M: "What about this one? Seems like neither of us have played this game before and it'd be nice to see if it really is catered for 12 year olds."
H: "Haha, yeah, I wouldn't play that game by myself, I bought it hoping I could play it with someone else."
M: "You haven't even peeled off the cover. Have you not played this with her?"
(you can read "shit, I totally forgot about her" on his face)
H: "Uh, she doesn't like that kind of games. (...) How about Little Big Planet?"
M: "Uh... okay."
("yay" in the background)

Thinking it would be a boring game for children, I was surprised after having some legitimate fun with it, though it's not my favorite kind of game and I was progressively getting bored. Seems like he was getting bored of it too, though his girlfriend was still brimming with enthusiasm. Which is funny because she was pretty bad at the game.

-- cont
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>>440
RedCream, tell us about your experiences. We know you have a cat and used to be a gold farmer. But what else?

What's your cat's name, RedCream?

check 'em

444 sage

The sage user is a troll
There's no way someone this ignorant would post on a textboard.

>>442

I named her after a place in Ireland that captured my fancy:

Muckanaghederdauhaulia

I often call her "Muckanaghederdauhaul" foar shoart.

>>446
RedCream, is it true that you are 'Jay Z' in reality?

>>435
What? Please explain your ass-backwards reasoning, you're making no sense at all.

sage-chan doesn't realize that the people who actually like this thread are also saging so that we don't have to deal with sage-chan anymore

>>435

sage this shit [...] Sage.

So you're using your sage as a downvote

fuck off back to Reddit where downvotes do exist

...but you think downvotes belong on Reddit.

Did your mom drop you on your head when you were little, or are you going back to Reddit?

it's spelled sageing

>>447

RedCream, is it true that you are 'Jay Z' in reality?

Noa.

I will interrupt this thrilling and engaging thread to once again firmly remind the poasters of Progrider that the action of "sage" is actually identified by the acroanym "SAGE", which is defined as:

Seeking All Gay Experiences

Hence, if you "sage" a thread, you are seeking all gay experiences. Yes, you certainly are. Noa doubt about it.

P.S. I did not "sage" this thread. You may conclude the obvious therefrom.

sage

Who gonna sage me, huh?

>>452
who are you quoting?

>>450
I know, rite?
Sage guy is a fucking moron

>>428
It was very likely drunk talk.

I'm sorry, that was the end of the "chapter". I don't think she was ever interested in me as a man and she must have had some serious problems with other relationships to act like that. I don't want to get involved with a crazy girl either.

----

I've said this before: sex isn't good enough to put up with all the baggage that comes with it. Once you start having it regularly, it becomes a need and isn't that much of a pleasure anymore.

That said, there is one obvious way of getting sex without the implied bullshit, though it comes with other kind of risks.

Alice's absence took its toll on me. Not because I wanted her to come back so badly, I had enough things to worry about. She's fun to hang out with but I won't die if I don't. My dakimakura and onahole are the best investment I've made in my entire life. What else do I need? Of course, my body, being naturally curious and fucking retarded, was craving for a new experience. The thought of hiring a call girl had crossed my mind ever since I was a virgin. It seemed like a reasonable choice, getting the physical experience without having to bear someone else's whining and emotional instability. It is much cheaper in the long run (though I wasn't expecting to met someone like Alice who meant virtually no extra spending with almost on-demand sex but that's a different matter).

I looked for girls on the newspaper ads but it was blatantly obvious they got their pictures from other sources and there wasn't much info about their services. Then I looked for girls on the Internet and a whole world of possibilities was shown to me. The local Craigslist of call girls. "FILL MY NASTY HOLE WITH YOUR BIG COCK", "I WANT TO SWALLOW ALL YOUR MILK", "HORNY GIRL WITH WET PUSSY IS DOWN TO FUCK". All the girls with these headers would give unprotected oral sex and 30 minutes of sex for an unexpectedly low rate. That seriously put me off. I know, I'm looking for hookers but this was too much for me to handle.

After a few days I came back hoping to find something better. I found a young-looking girl with a picture that wasn't stolen from a random porn site, asking for a reasonable rate and offered 90 minutes of company, including protected oral sex and kisses. I took note of her phone number and searched for it on Google. The only relevant results were a couple of blogs. "MY EXPERIENCE WITH ANGELA". Badly written blog posts (just like this whole thread) with eyerape spelling about how this 50 year old nigger had "A GREAT TIME WITH THIS INSANELY HOT CHICK". He mentioned things like her skin color, apparent age and rates. Then he went on a whole epic tale about the "AFFAIR" with a couple of random "WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"s thrown in. He had his goddamned picture on the sidebar of the blog. He looked like a bitter monkey. Is this the kind of people who hire escorts? Retards?

Turns out there's a whole community dedicated to this. These rich men call themselves "escort reviewers" and hire one or two girls every month and later review them on their blogs. "NO TITS 0/10 WOULD NOT BANG AGAIN" (yeah), "KIND OF SEXY BUT SHE WAS A TOTAL ASSHOLE AND WOULDN'T RIDE ME 7/10" (why rate her 7/10 then) and "MEGAHOTTIE 10/10 FUCCCCKKKK HER SO HARD" are the kind of comments you can read on their blogs. Right, you can't expect these chimps to know what a proper rating scale is like. Either way, they upload photos of the girls they met, censoring their faces and testifying whether they are real deal or some fat whore using fake photos stolen from the Internet.

Seeing how these apes were mostly attracted for the plastic blond whores, I called "Angela" from a prepaid SIM card. We were to meet up at a restaurant and then leave for a nearby hotel. I was nervously waiting for her at the restaurant when I saw a short young girl with jeans, a silly corset-like garment with leopard texture, a leather jacket and retarded looking high heels come in. She recognized me from the description of me I gave her over the phone and greeted me with a friendly hug and a kiss on the cheek. She was way too short for my tastes (about 150cm/5ft), she had the stereotypical attitude of a teenager and her makeup was overdone. Everyone on the hotel reception knew what was going on. We went into the room.

After five minutes of forced smalltalk she started kissing me. Oh god, the "human" smell was strong, She licked my lips like a thirsty dog and slid her hand all over my body. She caressed my penis over my pants and I got instantly hard, though I wasn't horny at all. I turned around to take my shirt off and when I turned back she had already taken off all her clothes. A rather unimpressive sight was in front of me. Well, a naked girl nonetheless. Her figure was slim but her whole body was wobbly and lacked firmness. Alice is much better than this. I came like after ten minutes of continuous non-stop desperate pounding, which is tiring and unsatisfying as fuck. We still had a lot of time left so we watched TV while I regained my boner. She stroked my penis with expertise and it eventually got hard again. She put the condom on without even pinching the tip and started sucking. Raw oral sex is "good" at best, this felt like absolutely nothing at all. Nothing at all, just a head moving around my crotch. I stopped her and made her lie flat on top of me.

M: "It's okay, I'm tired and the time's running up. Thank you."
A: "Alright."

She kissed me again. I had to turn my head to one side to break the kiss.

A: "I had a great time. There is chemistry between you and me."
M: "Y-yeah..."
A: "I want you inside me."
M: "Sure."

She rode me on the reverse cowgirl position. It felt better, though still underwhelming. She came, left my crotch all wet and sticky and asked me to finger her. Holy fuck, she was flooding down there.

A: "My real name is Jessie. This is my personal cellphone, you can call me whenever you want."
M: "Alright,"

We took a shower together. I got dressed in record time and hightailed it out of there.

At least I could be sure I'd never meet her again because there was no mutual obligation to do so.

-- cont

>>457
Wait... what?
The guy who doesn't even like sex, who has an onahole that he considers better than sex, hired a hooker?
All my wat

What? So you paid to be fucked?

sage.

bump to piss off the sager

"That one doesn't count", I convinced myself.

I found another girl with more professional-looking photos that asked for a more generous fare and also gave raw oral sex as an additional service. Her (stage) name was Karen. I called her.

This time I got into the room and gave her the directions to get there. I heard a knock at the door. My heart was pounding, A blond girl wearing expensive clothes with an obvious cleavage, carrying an expensive looking purse and unnoticeable makeup was there. Lighting and Photoshop did lots to improve her appearance but she had an acceptably curvy body and an innocent face. She asked me about my life and I told her what I considered appropriate so as not to give my full identity away. I also asked about her life and she gave me more details than she should have. If she does this with all her customers, she's probably being harassed by an obsessive customer by now. Who am I kidding, the kind of people who hire escorts can't tell their ass from their elbow.

She took one piece of clothing off and waited for me to do the same. She'd nibble on my lips while we did this. It was enjoyable. We were now fully naked. She had an average body, but her innocent looking face made her look good. She said I was "big". That was the first time I ever heard that. I don't think she meant it, she must have gotten used to the tiny dicks from the old fat fucks she has to deal with.

We took a shower together. She kneeled and softly licked the base of my penis and balls. That makes your crotch tingle in a good way. She sucked my penis, it was good. Not enough to make me come but she was doing her best.

She lied on the bed. I kissed her inner thighs and she moaned a bit. I couldn't help but feel obliged to reciprocate her oral sex and sucked her clitoris while reaching for her g-spot with my fingers. She got insanely wet and came right after that.

This time I was horny. It must have been ten or less strokes before I came. I wouldn't get my boner back so she sucked it again. It helped. We went for a second time, we both came and had a relatively good time. I didn't regret this one as much as the first.

A month later I tried calling her but her phone was offline. Her ad wasn't online anymore. I looked for someone similar to her and found a girl who had been praised by many "escort reviewers". I called and waited for her inside the hotel. She was wearing tight clothing, an insanely risky cleavage and retarded looking high heels. Too curvy, almost a bit chubby. Not the kind of body I like, hopefully all the praise she got is not empty hype. Her face was cute, though. She also looked very young. Round eyes, small nose and soft-looking lips. 7/10 face. She offered kisses, unprotected oral sex, protected anal sex and 120 minutes of company for a reasonable price. Her stage name was Samantha.

We spent like 30 minutes talking about each other. This was a good thing, getting right to the sex with a total stranger is stressing and makes you/her feel like an object. Knowing this girl is just another human with worries of her own who happens to work at this makes the mechanics much less stressing. She brought a nurse costume and black lingerie. That made up for her rather fat body. She was surprisingly good at oral sex, even with a condom on I could feel like I'd come at any moment. I also gave her oral and she breathed very heavily in a way that turned me on. I couldn't last more than 5 minutes in the missionary position because she had wet her lingerie a bit from the oral sex and this was too much for me to handle. We waited until I got my boner again. We tried anal but it wouldn't fit. She got on top of me and we finished with her in the cowgirl position. I lasted more this time and it felt good. We took a shower together and left.

Both were good experiences. I didn't even do half of what I usually do with Alice but they were enjoyable. Good value for money. The thrill of doing something in secret is part of it. The physical experience is alright, but you really miss the long foreplay sessions, setting up the mood hours before everything starts and the part where you spend some time together under the blankets staring at the ceiling. Call girls are definitely cheaper and less stressing in the long run than dating a girl but they're by no means a complete experience.

My advice? Don't hire escorts if you're aiming for a completely fulfilling experience. This goes for you faggots who think virginity is something to be ashamed of and should be lost as quick as possible. Don't be a retard, being a virgin is not a bad thing and doing this won't make you feel less lonely. Sex is bland as hell if it doesn't involve cuddling, spooning and kissing, even if it's with a "fuckbuddy" as some of you call it. Trust me, I enjoy Alice's post-coital cheek kisses more than I enjoy the feeling of actual sex. This, however, doesn't mean sex with your girlfriend is guaranteed to be better. While the positive emotional background is there, the negative parts of it are also present. The fear of getting her pregnant, the unbearable clinginess aftwerwards, the "I gave you sex so you give me attention" and many other things sometimes ruin the experience and leave a bad impression about sex in your long-term memory. Just balance out your needs and pick whatever suits you best.

-- cont
_{See you tomorrow.}

>>458
As illogical as it sounds, yes. This is what weeks of being deprived of sex after getting almost used to it does to your body. I blame curiosity but there has never been a logical reason for me to hire three hookers. Still better than dating Hatate though.

At least now I know there's nothing better than the onahole. I don't think I'll ever hire a hooker again.

sage

>>464
I imagine sage-kun as an old angry man with dementia repeating "sage... sage, s-sAge" all ^{smoke pot every}day.

Sage.

saging...

sage

bump for great butthurt

>>467
*sageing

sage

sage.

sage

>>457
A hooker fell in love with you? I refuse to believe this.

>>474
I never said that, though my shitty hurried writing might have been part of the confusion.

No, she didn't fall in love with me. At first I thought she did, but then I read a blog post from a reviewer that made me realize what happened. Most hookers have to work with severely obese men, elderly lesbians, retarded teenagers and lots of old men with tobacco smell. When they have a customer that's relatively clean, engages in at least one minute of foreplay and doesn't "accidentally" slip their dick in the wrong hole, they do all they can to retain such customer. Also, since most escort agencies take like 50% of their fare, it's a better deal for them to first know the potential customer and then give him a "special offer" that ends up being better for her because even after the discount she gets more money than she would originally get if the customer had contacted her through the agency. Agencies have their place, though. Hookers let their agencies know when a customer is being abusive and his number/name is spammed on the community and he's blacklisted from many other agencies at the same time. Agencies also do the advertising for them.

She gave me her "real name" but that could have been a codeword to know I was the one calling her so she could act accordingly. It could also have been a way of giving me a false sense of closeness so I would call her more often.

In short, no, she didn't fall in love with me.

sage.

sage'd[

Sometimes it's relieving to know things could be worse.

There's nothing else to be told. Alice came back after some months. Her father was fully recovered but he wasn't the same person he was before. She was worried he would die at any moment. She would space out every now and then. I tried to be as supportive as I could. Once she went through the phase of acceptance, she regained her cheerfulness and tried not to bring up the topic anymore.

We continued with the usual routine of playing board games if we were at her place, or playing racing games if we were at mine. Driving her car for hours and having fun together is also part of our biweekly-monthly encounters.

What else can I say? Sex wasn't the same after I got the onahole. I never told Alice about this, but the onahole felt much better than her. We still have sex pretty much every time we see each other, though I'm not as motivated to do it anymore. We've tried doing different things and talking about each other's sexual interests, though nothing will ever feel better and more fulfilling than the onahole.

After I went back to having a calm life, there were many realizations that dawned upon me.

- I might have a hormone imbalance. I was presented with so many "opportunities" and couldn't enjoy most of them. Meanwhile, others abandon their job, move to a different country/state or drop out of university to spend the rest of their life with their partner. Something must be wrong with me because I never had the need to do such things. Everyone says your standards will eventually drop until you find someone who (barely) fulfills them. I'm sorry, why should I drop my standards? Has conformism become the rule now? No, it's always been like this. Since virtually everyone is okay with this while I can't even find any logic behind it, there must be something wrong with me. I'll never try to fix it, though. Things are fine the way they are and I consider myself lucky for being an outlier in the huge pool of people who think company equals happiness.

- I don't want to do this anymore. I've been told infinitely many times that I should keep trying until I find someone who's right for me. This boils down to fucking around until you get tired of it and settling for the first girl that tolerates your shit. Why should I do that? There's no valid reason for me to get involved into something as boring as a relationship just because you and your neurotypical friends say so. Shut the fuck up and waste your time however you want.

- About relationships being boring: yes, humans have basic needs. I also have them. Relationships are not the only way of fulfilling them and you're a retard for thinking so. Want to have fun with people who share your interests? There's friends. Want to orgasm? Friends with benefits, masturbatory aids and/or call girls. Want to feel or make someone else feel loved or protected? Get closer with your family, adopt a child/pet or do something like taking care of a homeless person. A relationship will initially work out if these three things are present. Making those feelings last for more than two weeks depends on how much you get along the other person and is left as an exercise for the reader. If you take a look into most relationships, you'd realize most of them lack the component of friendship. No, drinking and having meals together isn't enough to make you friends. While it's very unlikely for both of you to have the exact same interests, you should at least make sure they're compatible. You like computers and machines and she likes math and physics? Great. You like watching soccer when you're bored and she likes fashion and reality shows? Good fucking luck, you fucking retards. Both of you are useless shitheads and you'll have nothing to share with each other than your so-called "love", which is just kissing and having sex with each other because you're both neurotypicals and afraid to die alone.

Working under the assumption you've got this covered, what's forcing you to spend all your goddamned free time together? Please explain why you don't do the same with your close (male) friends, and if you do, please explain why you're not sick of it yet. If a close friend wants to drink with you every single weekend, there will be a time when you're busy or tired and you'll decline his offer. Fine. Now replace "close friend" with "girlfriend". Suddenly, you're a heartless bastard. What the fuck? Is it impossible for everyone in this gay-ass world to have a friend of the opposite sex who has sex with you and isn't an obsessive fuck? You don't own her and she doesn't own you. You could lead a healthy relationship by having a friend and seeing each other only when you're both available. Add exclusivity and cheesy crap to the mix if you want. There is no rule that says all relationships should be about wasting time in irrational ways.

Also, have you ever had a friend last you your entire life? What makes you think spending five years with that girl who barely knows about computers but is "hot as hell XD" is more fun than spending five years with that childhood friend who would play ball every afternoon with you? Or what about that guy who knew more than you do and was always sharing his knowledge with you? Why do you think you deserve that dumb girl?

- Marriage is not a sign of responsibility. Quite the contrary, you're an irresponsible idiot if you're throwing your entire life out the window to make something as volatile and fruitless as a relationship into something permanent that legally ties you to some random girl. Would you live the rest of your life with that friend who always drinks with you? Of course not, you don't have to live with someone else to enjoy your time together. Well, you went and married some girl whose only remarkable features are her physical assets, even though you know she will get fat and old. Even if said girl is a really fucking interesting and fun person to be with, you could just keep her as a friend and skip all the bullshit. Replace "random girl" with "friend who always drinks with you" and the idea of living together for the rest of your lives now sounds stupid.

I've got Youmu. I don't need anyone else.

One last thing I need to tell all of you faggots: thank you so much for ruining 2D girls for me. Before this happened, I thought of having any kind of contact with 2D girls as an exhilarating experience. Touching perfectly smooth skin, kissing perfect lips, grabbing perfect firm breasts and having insanely good orgasms. This perfection manifested itself in many of my past dreams. I'd wake up with a mess in my pants, my body would feel like jelly, my brain would be turned off and I couldn't wait for a dream like that to repeat. Then I got a taste of real women. Their bodies are unimaginably dense (in the literal sense, even a thin girl is much heavier than you think), their smell varies wildly depending on many factors (and it's not good), they wear retarded looking clothes, most of them aren't passionate about anything, having sex with them isn't the same as ascending to heaven, they make weird noises, bleed every month and have random mood swings, they take up a lot of space, time, money and energy, not even the smoothest skin can be considered smooth, their bodies are imperfect even after getting tens of surgeries and thousands of hours of working out, vaginas feel nothing more than the inside of a very swollen mouth, they have body hair and shaving it leaves some horrible stubble, masturbation orgasms are most of the times more intense than sex orgasms, ...

Had I not been with real girls, I would still be wetting my pants from dreaming of 2D girls. Now I have dreams about sex with real girls, presumably because it's easier for my ape brain to work that out. Of course, it's easy to recreate an experience in your brain than to create a new story. I have to avoid looking at (pictures of) real girls for extended periods of time if I want to get as much excitement from pictures of 2D girls as I did before all this. If I don't, seeing a picture of a naked 2D girl instantly brings a mixture of not-so-nice smells to my mind like that "human" smell, genitals and KY. Man, I don't dislike Alice but she's also part of this.

I guess this is the end of this shitty story. Thank you for reading.

<sub>I know none of you actually read this wall of text, but thank you anyway.

^{me on the right}</sub>

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