Name: Anonymous 2015-09-14 5:09
Uuuuuuuuuhgggg, I just spent the last twelve hours playing this video game called Crusader Kings. I didn't plan to do that, but it just sucks your time away. It was like playing Civilizations, but more entertaining, and I could get more feedback for being an evil shithead. Of course, I had meant to do some programming and masturbate or something, and now it's too late to do that. It was fun though, and you're going to here aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllllllll~ about it. But first, you need to know that in this game, you play as the leader of a family, and when you die, you take control of your heir. Norse pagans are the best culture to play as, because you can wage invasions wars all you want.
So I started off in like 1100 as king of Sweden or some shit. I'm just fucking around and conquer a few counties. I conquer too many, in fact. I have so many that it pisses off my vassals, who them rebel, so I have to beat them and revoke their titles. I take their wives and daughters and my conqubines and have a shitload of kids. I get notified that the succession laws will end up fragmenting my kingdom after I die, so I have to imprison all my sons and execute them. Luckily, none of them got away. I couldn't risk any more sons, so I did the same to the whores, but unfortunately, they fled. Time goes on and I keep working my way into Europe when I pick the wrong fight with the Holy Roman Empire and get smashed. Then the fucking pope calls a crusade against me and my son is killed. I choose to commit suicide, but that meant game over because I no longer had an heir. That's life.
Well that was shitty, so I tried again with Byzantium in 780 or so, but with the norse culture and religion. My vassals didn't like this, but there were too many, so I had to just keep smashing them as they revolted. Eventually, they learned to deal with it in the second generation, possibly because they realized that I would beat them, then I would rape their wives, castrate their sons, and blind their daughters. But the best part of this was that I figured out that I could seduce my sisters. I started a bastard branch of the dynasty, where I would fuck my sister (or half-sister, the daughter of the sister that I fucked last generation), until I have a bunch of retarded girls with the `inbred' trait running around the court (I killed the boys). You need a lot of sister fucking for this to work, because most of them are sterile. Then the mudslimes start giving me shit in the east, so I get my army and go siege Bagdad. I end up capturing nine out of the Caliphate's ten children and castrate\blind then execute all of them. Most of them were under six, which was kind of weird, because he was in his sixties. I also killed all three of his wives and captured his heir. He got depressed and started offering peace every few minutes, but I kept refusing. I drug that war out for two generations until all his heir was like sixty and had spent his entire life in my dungeons. Everyone hated him because his regent was a shithead, so less than a year after I make peace they all rebel and the Muslim world is in shambles. That's why you shouldn't have vassals. Who cares about tyranny points anyway? But this is getting boring, so I legitmize one of the inbred retarded products of four generations of incest, killed my heir, then started challenging my courtiers to duels. I died and a retard now leads the kingdom. I've got about two hundred people in the dungeons, but the regent won't let me kill any of them, and they start escaping and they are pissed. My incapable idiot son\nephew is sterile and everyone attacks at once. Since I can't do shit about it, being incapable of rule, they pick me apart and kill me. Then the game ended because I was the last of my dynasty.
And that is how I spent my Sunday.
So I started off in like 1100 as king of Sweden or some shit. I'm just fucking around and conquer a few counties. I conquer too many, in fact. I have so many that it pisses off my vassals, who them rebel, so I have to beat them and revoke their titles. I take their wives and daughters and my conqubines and have a shitload of kids. I get notified that the succession laws will end up fragmenting my kingdom after I die, so I have to imprison all my sons and execute them. Luckily, none of them got away. I couldn't risk any more sons, so I did the same to the whores, but unfortunately, they fled. Time goes on and I keep working my way into Europe when I pick the wrong fight with the Holy Roman Empire and get smashed. Then the fucking pope calls a crusade against me and my son is killed. I choose to commit suicide, but that meant game over because I no longer had an heir. That's life.
Well that was shitty, so I tried again with Byzantium in 780 or so, but with the norse culture and religion. My vassals didn't like this, but there were too many, so I had to just keep smashing them as they revolted. Eventually, they learned to deal with it in the second generation, possibly because they realized that I would beat them, then I would rape their wives, castrate their sons, and blind their daughters. But the best part of this was that I figured out that I could seduce my sisters. I started a bastard branch of the dynasty, where I would fuck my sister (or half-sister, the daughter of the sister that I fucked last generation), until I have a bunch of retarded girls with the `inbred' trait running around the court (I killed the boys). You need a lot of sister fucking for this to work, because most of them are sterile. Then the mudslimes start giving me shit in the east, so I get my army and go siege Bagdad. I end up capturing nine out of the Caliphate's ten children and castrate\blind then execute all of them. Most of them were under six, which was kind of weird, because he was in his sixties. I also killed all three of his wives and captured his heir. He got depressed and started offering peace every few minutes, but I kept refusing. I drug that war out for two generations until all his heir was like sixty and had spent his entire life in my dungeons. Everyone hated him because his regent was a shithead, so less than a year after I make peace they all rebel and the Muslim world is in shambles. That's why you shouldn't have vassals. Who cares about tyranny points anyway? But this is getting boring, so I legitmize one of the inbred retarded products of four generations of incest, killed my heir, then started challenging my courtiers to duels. I died and a retard now leads the kingdom. I've got about two hundred people in the dungeons, but the regent won't let me kill any of them, and they start escaping and they are pissed. My incapable idiot son\nephew is sterile and everyone attacks at once. Since I can't do shit about it, being incapable of rule, they pick me apart and kill me. Then the game ended because I was the last of my dynasty.
And that is how I spent my Sunday.