You may hate me, but!

I'm a 26 yrs old trans-female and afraid of being a pediphile So let me break it down from becoming to end. When I first moved to new York I met this tranny named Lilith and we became lovers and during the time we spent together she used me took my money, flirted with other people in front of my face, and insulted me a few times so after 2 1/2 months together I broke up with her. To make a long story short years later I find a mug shot of Lilith ( in his male state before transition) and saw on the criminal website that he was a pediphile and served time for it. And I was exstremely discusted by that and ever. Since then I have been fearfully of being around children. I will get intrusive thoughts about kids and teens sexually and those thoughts will begin to frighten me. I am also very spiritual and I keep thinking if I so much as think about a child sexually that God is going to smite his rath apon me and I sometimes even fear that on the other hand is that the stars predestined me to be a pediphile. When I was a todler like nine years old I masterbate to only women but my family told me that homosexuality was a sin and I became very frightened about my sexual desires (I never told them I liked girls) I always kept that to myself I was just told that by my family.

And For the last three and 1/2 years I have had a fear of the illuminatti. But I don't fear it in. A sence where I think they are watching me what will start feeling is guilt for my lifestyle choices I have. Like for instance I have been a Goth for 14 yrs and I also came out as bisexual and listen to alot of secularized music I've been this way for years and one day I stumbled apon some videos on YouTube talking about how there is this cult in the media called the illuminatti

.and I got so terribly frightened that I felt like I was this evil soul rebelling against God that in tromendous fear I through away alot my CDs, ,manga and books, and movies because I felt like this bad and depraved person for living my lifestyle the way I live it.

I now have replaced all of those things but even though I replaced everything I once owned a part of me still feels guilty for having those things and living my lifestyle the way I'm living it cause mind you I want, to stay away from hearing that but it won't stay away from me cause keep running into people who believe in that and it bothers me alot

So the problem is that this whole thing is about me not knowing what is right or wrong to feel and or right or wrong to believe spiritualy wise. I know this may sound bizzarre, but this is how I feel I even tried telling my therapists and that did not make it go away so if anyone can tell me what is wrong with me please help me

HOW DO I OVERCOME THIS FEAR

And PS: to the last think i just posted i am still a virgin and never had sex before and i also never dated anyone else after lilith so could that also be part of it

I just feel that my whole personality is a person who is selfish and disobedient

Paging Mike "Electric Trans-Former" Pence