Programming languages mapped to common crapping experiences

Java: The more you crap, the more crap you need to crap.
Lisp: You crap by dropping the first and crapping the rest.
C: A hard and heavy crap. Leaves you a thougher man, and probably a pointer in the bowl.
Haskell: You push in pain and agony, and after a monad, six meals are expelled in a dense pearl.
Prolog: yes.
PHP: The crap just push some other crap and withdraws.
Python: A delightfull little snake. But you feel like not having crapped at all, and may have preferred something denser.
C++: The holiday dinner crap. You either enjoy the rich experience, or swear to become a vegetarian.
C#: Feels slicker than the Java crap, but you better have windows to open.
Javascript: A viscous unpredictable crap. You try to use its flexibility to your advantage, but it's a slippery slope.
Ruby: You enjoy the smell, and tell everyone.
Assembly: crp
HTML: You sneezed.
SQL: You take a dump and store it safely.
BASIC: You crapped on the potty.
Lua: You conclude philosophically that less is more while flushing.

What if there was a super hero that could control shit like Gara controlled sand? He would be powerful in cities, where he could utilize the vast underground network of shit flowing in the sewers. And if he wasn't close to shit, he could squeeze one out before battle and send it hurling at his enemies at 400 km/h. But then he would be powerless if he couldn't take a shit at the time. So he just carries around a large sack of shit with him so he would always be prepared.

>>25
Gaara.

__________
(--[ .]-[ .] /
(_______O__)

And he can fly but he has to stand on mounds of shit to do that, so he prefers not to.

>>25
What would be his jinchuuriki?