Do you really want an asshat in the White House?

The failures of a Trump presidency would be historic. Think of all the embarrassments and failures of Jimmy Carter or George W. Bush amplified x100. This is a man who, unlike Bush, cannot string together a coherent thought, has zero experience in government, has a clinical, untreated case of narcissism, and has relatively little education (c.f., Bush, Clinton, Obama all Ivy educated). It's not just a prediction that he will destroy all of America's hard fought global alliances--it's a campaign promise. He is both pseudo-intellectualism and mindless populism personified. He appeals to the most simian primitive emotions and instincts not because of some intricate strategy, but because he himself does not possess any faculties above that. It's not a coincidence that thinkers on every side of the political spectrum have disavowed Trump. His own party disowned him. To his remaining supporters, the average joes, their rallying cries are still deafening in the face of what should be crises of their allegiance. Their former political heroes be damned, principles be damned, facts be damned--his supporters finally have a candidate that thinks like them and is one of them, a stupid person. On some level I want him to win, if only to witness the Mondale-tier blowout in 2020 and one more knockout blow to the fascism meme.

Let's go through your post point-by-point.

Think of all the embarrassments and failures of Jimmy Carter or George W. Bush amplified x100

That's not a bad thing, most people like it when they can laugh at presidents.

a man who, unlike Bush, cannot string together a coherent thought

He talks just fine, and is much more intelligent than Bush.

has zero experience in government

Which means that he's not corrupt like all the establishment. This is why they hate him. He wants to introduce term limits for politicians and fight lobbying.

has a clinical, untreated case of narcissism

Just like America as a nation. He is a fitting leader of the nation, if anything.

has relatively little education

Real-world education means more than book smartness.

he will destroy all of America's hard fought global alliances

You didn't really fight for your alliances. You just paid the money. Your alliances are all bought and no one will stand by you when you stop being rich.

He is both pseudo-intellectualism and mindless populism personified

Pseudo-intellectualism is a precise description of Obama who was president for 8 years. He always says smart honeyed words and pretends to be so know-it-all, but he never achieved anything good. Even his Nobel Prize was phony. As for mindless populism, it's better than intelligent pro-establishment policies that hurt the people.

He appeals to the most simian primitive emotions and instincts

If not wanting being blown up by Muslims or being unemployed because of illegal immigrants is a "simian primitive emotion", then you are spot-on.

thinkers on every side of the political spectrum have disavowed Trump

They're either paid to lie (like the "experts" on Brexit were) or ignorant ivory-tower Gutmensch.

His own party disowned him.

Only the corrupt establishment part. Trump brought in more voters for the Republican party than ever in history, but the career politicians couldn't care less about what ordinary voters need.

principles be damned, facts be damned

You must be talking about the "free" press which is almost uniformly showing it's bought and paid for to spread lies and discredit the people's candidate. Meanwhile they also spread bullshit like "global warming" and "discriminated minorities" while suppressing reports about immigrant crime. Donald is the one with the better grasp on facts.

On some level I want him to win

So on some level you love your own country? Don't worry, the fatcats will conspire to find a way to prevent a pro-people candidate from taking office. Oh and all the government's agents have been arming themselves to the teeth under Obama, so the "fascism meme" will be back alright, just not under Trump.